Putting thoughts down in a journal is a useful leadership exercise. When doing so, it is important to include more than what is happening now but also what could go wrong.
This kind of journaling is revealed with the publication of “The Godfather Notebook” that director Francis Ford Coppola kept while making this iconic film. As revealed in an interview with Terry Gross on NPR’s “Fresh Air,” Coppola used the notebook to record his thoughts on the meaning, intention and pitfalls of every scene.
Film directors are leaders on the set. Good ones plan every scene in advance so that they can capture the spirit of the script on screen creatively as well as efficiently.
Management is something like that. Executives are bombarded with many details at any given moment. They must focus with clarity on what is important so they can keep projects on task and on budget.
Organize your thoughts in advance. It will prepare you to take action, be it talking to your team or finding additional resources.
The challenge is to make time to think and document your thoughts as words, pictures or diagrams.
Journaling will sharpen your thinking and, in turn, focus on your leadership on what’s most important.
As management in the healthcare industry becomes more dynamic and challenging, the pattern of bringing physicians into leadership roles increases. Rationales for this are that physician-leaders have experience working with other clinicians and understand how teams, departments and organizations of medical providers operate. Their insights can help optimize operations and their credibility with fellow caregivers can drive change.
In 30 years of executive coaching and consulting in the healthcare and pharmaceutical sectors and as a founding fellow and contributing author of the Institute of Coaching at McLean/Harvard Medical School, I’ve seen how the impact of physician-leaders is better in some cases. However, in recent decades and now in the Covid-19 crisis, expected physician-leader benefits don’t always square with reality. Let’s briefly trace doctors’ progress in leadership roles.
Turn Of The Century
Twenty years ago, many doctors had different thoughts and expectations when considering a leadership role. After years of contributing as a clinician, a career advancement step could be a role as a department head, associate vice president for medical affairs, chief medical officer, etc. Advantages were a more reasonable schedule, fewer clinical work hours, increased compensation and a prestigious title. Since the physician’s healthcare organization was probably stable financially, job stress wasn’t expected from market-based performance pressure, such as managing a tight budget, holding practitioners to relative value unit expectations, downsizing staff and executing a new strategy. Overall health service affordability was not considered a doctor’s responsibility.
Few doctors had leadership roles and those who did expected control and authority, working independently from colleagues in nursing, administration and other areas. Once in awhile there might have been challenging situations to face, but not often. Decision-making would usually be slower-paced, deliberate and unilateral.
Physicians’ training would not have included leadership skill-building. Abilities to confront difficult colleagues, build and lead a team, resolve conflict, develop reports, etc., would be absent. MBA and MHA programs were available then, but selection into leadership roles did not require formal, substantive management training. Administrative colleagues with skills in finance, accounting, IT, human resources, organizational development, etc., were on hand to delegate to.
What if anything has changed in 20 years? While many doctors in leadership roles still have little to no executive training and skills, there have been improvements. Physicians are increasingly paired with administrative colleagues in dyad leadership relationships. Occasionally, they are paired in triad relationships with administrative and nursing leaders.
Doctors succeeding in these relationships shift from autonomous, authoritative decision-making to a more emotionally intelligent shared leadership style. They and other key stakeholders collaborate to determine solutions and, more importantly, to accept responsibility for delivering them. Decision-making is still time-consuming but with greater participant buy-in.
The perspective of physician-leaders is maturing. They choose MBA or MHA training to engage more credibly as executives. They are less likely to expect leadership roles to be ceremonial and lightweight. As their business environment gets more volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous — a situation often referred to as VUCA — they grasp the inescapable reality that leadership entails hard choices and actions and accountability for measurable results.
• Emotional intelligence: Track/manage your and others’ emotions to work with and lead others; empathy and respectfulness are critical while intellectual superiority is not.
• Self-awareness: Clarify strengths to use and weaknesses to address, to appreciate how others experience you — and adjust.
• Conflict management: Become skilled with tools and techniques to resolve differences between individuals and teams.
• Decision-making: Effectively evaluate challenges and develop and choose the best solution.
• Influence: Without formal authority, motivate and move others along by appealing to their interests, priorities, etc.
• Integrity: Trust is a leadership fundamental, earned over time and potentially lost quickly.
• Humility: Widely useful, this is especially valuable in leading difficult people and situations to solve problems.
Covid-19 Crisis
The Covid-19 challenge overwhelms even the most skilled and experienced executive leaders, whether they are physicians or not. It demands navigating VUCA conditions at top speed — shifting constantly and deciding in an instant with limited data — to be agile and adaptive.
In more normal conditions, doctors could continue to learn and improve gradually as leaders. There would be opportunities for moderately-paced, scientifically-based, information-rich decision-making reminiscent of their clinical training years.
The unprecedented demands of Covid-19 can accelerate growth in some physician-leaders but more typically spotlight skill gaps and unrealistic expectations. Faced with hyper-stressful pressure for leadership performance, some doctors revert to what is comfortable and familiar. That is, gather with fellow doctors and, while formally in dyad and triad relationships, avoid the inevitable, difficult and unpopular decisions required to lead through crises.
As financial conditions worsen, funds for graduate business training for physicians dwindle when they are most needed. Perhaps more cost-effective options — mentoring, counseling, and coaching, for instance — could help doctors gain leadership impact. These options are best for building basic skills found in strong leaders and vital for physicians in a pandemic. Examples of these fundamentals are setting and communicating quality standards, insisting on accountability, changing suboptimal practices, and rewarding and confronting performance as needed.
And that’s too bad because too often, buzzwords fall into disuse. We need empathy now more than ever.
Empathy is the capacity to feel for someone else, to feel compassion for what they are experiencing. As our nation is riven by the twin viruses of Covid-19 and systemic racism, and the resulting economic fallout, people in need, or people in general, want to know that someone cares.
When we see images of people who have suffered or are caring for those suffering, we feel sympathy. We are in synchronicity with their loss. That is fine, but it’s not empathy. Empathy, as classically defined in Webster’s Dictionary, is “the ability to share in another’s emotions, thoughts or feelings.”
Leaders can be empathetic, but feeling empathy is not enough. Acting with empathy is what’s necessary. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths,” wrote the Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. “These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Acting with empathy
Being and doing are different things. Here are some tips for acting on empathy.
Listen intently. While sympathy is an inclination to experience another’s pain, empathy is the willingness to act. You can only act if you know what the issue is. That comes from listening. Focus on the other person. Have a conversation.
Anticipate the need. Acting on empathy means not waiting to be asked. Sense the need and fulfill it. Don’t ask if someone is hungry. Bring them a meal. Don’t ask if they need a job. Help them find one. Don’t ask people if they feel sad. Find a moment of joy for them.
Follow up. People with genuine empathy follow up to see how those in need are doing. Sometimes all a person needs is a shoulder to lean on for support. Other times it is a blueprint for survival with assistance along the way. Checking in on people keeps you in touch. It also gives the individual being helped the opportunity to say thank you. Being grateful opens the door for them to maintain their dignity. And even more, it reminds them of their self-worth.
Leo Buscaglia, popular author, speaker and university professor, wrote, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
Empathy is generative. That is, the more we give, the more we get in return. We feel good about helping others and, in turn, feel the energy from that. Empathy is the capacity to care and act on that caring.
John Baldoni Master Corporate Executive Coach Member of Marshall Goldsmith 100 Coaches www.johnbaldoni.com
About Erica Komisar: is a licensed clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, and parent guidance expert who has been in private practice in New York City for over 30 years. She’s a graduate of Georgetown and Columbia Universities and the New York Freudian Society. Erica is a contributor to the Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Daily News. She is the author of a book called Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters and she is currently finishing a second book on the topic of raising resilient emotionally secure adolescence in an age of anxiety.
WORKPLACE WARRIOR® 022 Erica Komisar: Masculinity Isn’t an Illness
In this episode, Jordan and Dennis discuss:
Scientific research on how gender differences impact leadership and parenting
The impact of the political trend to neutralize differences between genders
The importance of balance between aggression and nurturing for leadership
Liberal, mainstream and conservative media ignore science when it conflicts with politics
Key Takeaways:
Women leaders need to express more of their aggression and men more of their nurturance.
Healthy aggression is channeled into ambition, competition, self-reliance, protective vigilance, and other traits needed for successful leadership.
Oxytocin and testosterone are expressed differently in women and men
Proof that motherhood and nurturing are not valued in this country is that there is not an emphasis on paid maternity leave.
“The first three years of being emotionally and physically available to your baby lay down the foundation for that child’s emotional security for life.”— Erica Komisar
Your host, Jordan Goldrich, grew up in a loud New York family and once lost an executive position because of his style. He is co-author of the Amazon Best Seller, Workplace Warrior®: People Skills For The No-Bulls**t Executive, Chief Operations Officer, Master Corporate Executive Coach, and Licensed Clinical Social Worker. His guests are part of his international network of Workplace Warrior® executives, master corporate executive coaches, and thought leaders. Each guest will engage you in conversation about their successes, mistakes, and solutions. You will get strategies for being completely authentic, while you fulfill your commitment to your organization, build positive relationships, and take performance to an even higher level.
Ken Giglio Principal at Mindful Leadership Consulting
“Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences and failing to achieve anything useful.”
As an executive coach, I am consistent in asking clients “What have you been reflecting on?” and “What have you learned and changed as a result?” What I often get back is “I haven’t had much time to reflect lately.”
It’s understandable that executives are pressed for time, especially as we all live through the Covid pandemic, racial justice challenges, and an economic recession. Yet without reflection, leaders, and all of us, miss turning experiences into learning opportunities we can use to change future outcomes. Investing in a reflective practice isn’t “nice to have,” it’s the ground from which effective leadership grows. As the organizational consultant Margaret Wheatly notes, “Without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences and failing to achieve anything useful.”
What is reflective practice?
Here is an adapted definition from Donald Schon’s book, The Reflective Practitioner: How Professionals Think in Action.
Reflective practice is critical and deliberate inquiry into professional practice in order to gain a deeper understanding of oneself, others, systems, and the meaning that is shared among individuals. This can happen during practice/work (mindful in action) and after the fact (on action) and can be done alone or with others.
We reflect to learn from experience; we learn to adapt and change for the betterment of ourselves, others, and organizations.
As executives need to reflect more and react less to meet the challenges of these times, so, too, do the coaches who support them. As coaches (I use the term broadly to include internal coaches, HRBPs, and external coaches), we need to polish our own mirror to be “fit for practice,” in our work with leaders and their organizations.
Supervision has become the key vehicle for reflective practice for coaching professionals. Here are the three reasons to invest in a reflective practice (one-on-one or in groups), which are also historically called the “functions” of supervision.
Supportive – coach well-being and resilience building
Developmental – coach competence and capacity building
Qualitative – coach quality control, including contracting and ethics
Supportive
In general, and especially in our current challenging environment, it’s emotional support that a coach needs most from reflective practice. In a group supervision session I led earlier this year, one coach presented a challenging client case. As the group and I listened, the coach expressed doubts about their approach; the coach questioned if they were “good enough” for this client. On top of that, the coach was also fatigued from their home-schooling role as a parent. Feelings of being depleted and overwhelmed due to Covid stressors were overshadowing the coaching work. The supervision dialogue and reflection shifted to support the coach’s present experience, with the group providing empathy, understanding, and emotional support. The group acknowledged and normalized the coach’s experience, as we were all feeling exhausted to some extent with all that 2020 has thrown our way. To better engage with their clients, the coach needed to devote more attention to their well-being, so they could tap and reinforce a resilient mindset and behaviors. The coach become aware that they needed to practice self-compassion to mitigate their self-judgment. They ended with “I am a good enough and also tired coach.”
A coach’s well-being and resilience is the ground from which all good work happens, because well-being leads to well-doing.
Developmental
Generally, coaches know their learning isn’t done when they graduate from a coach training program. We know that to develop our coaching competence and capacity requires practice and continuous learning. As we reflect on coaching cases in supervision, we follow the advice of the poet Walt Whitman, to “be curious and not judgmental.” One area I’m always curious about in my coaching practice, and the practices of my supervisees, is the influence of our self-stories. These stories, or scripts, originate in our childhood, and we all carry them forward in our coaching work in different ways. As an example, one coach realized they were enacting parental behaviors with a client by being overly protective, unconsciously treating the client like a child. A supervision conversation helped the coach stay aware of keeping the coaching conversations adult to adult and to begin to unlearn their parent/child relational pattern with clients. Reflection helps us become more conscious in the moment, so we can steer clear of our conditioned patterns from our past.
A coach’s commitment to their continuous learning keeps them on a developmental edge, always deepening and widening their competence and capacity and unlocking potential.
Qualitative
The integrity of our coaching work depends on delivering the highest quality coaching to our clients and organizations. Quality control is essential and encompasses how we contract with clients and organizations, and how we establish professional boundaries as well as ethical standards. In one of my supervision cases, an internal coach/HR Business Partner was struggling to navigate the escalating tensions between the SVP they support and another SVP. The other SVP was supported by a colleague my supervisee found to be “difficult.” It can become complicated as internal coaches are always working within a system they are a part of. In our supervision conversation, we explored the initial contracting and reflected together on when to know to push back and challenge the executives they supported and when to let go. We also looked at how the tensions between the SVPs might be paralleled, or playing out, between the HRB’s and its impact on their coaching work. Supervision research suggests that supervisors find half of the issues brought to them by coaches are related to original contracting, and this case supported the findings. In the end, the insight from reflective practice was to revisit the original contracting with the SVPs and HBP colleague and recontract and restructure the coaching work accordingly.
A coach’s attention to the quality of their work benefits everyone in the system as it holds the coaching to the highest standards and helps ensure coaching goals are achieved.
As the coaching field grows, so does the need for mindful reflective practice, aka supervision. Leaders aren’t reflecting enough, especially during these trying times. They are not learning at the pace they need to so they can keep up with the changes in the business environment. It’s our job as coaches to model a reflective approach. The emerging research shows that coaches who attend to their well-being, continuously develop their competence and capacity, and focus on quality control are the coaches most fit for purpose.
Ken Giglio Principal at Mindful Leadership Consulting
Following our first episode of GlobalLeadership Talks, this second episode of our first series continues our conversation with our global panel of HR experts on the evolution of the workplace during a pandemic – How do we Manage, Measure, Motivate?
Kathleen Procario – Head of HR Bacardi N-America Nicole Barrow – Head of HR DP DHL Group Americas Kathleen Halligan – Organizational psychologist with People Performance Ireland Co-host : Jordan Goldrich – Author of WorkPlace Warrior
HOW DO WE MANAGE, MEASURE, MOTIVATE? – KEY TAKE AWAYS Performance measurements systems: Key is through a more frequent dialogue to adjust people’s commitments and goals, e.g. weekly team conversations with goal adjustments – keep it flexible.
Motivating: performance goals & measurements are created by the individual and become part of their performance profile – not a top down approach. This ensures ownership, accountability, and clarity in conversations with their managers.
Managing the performance of your team: ask “How would I like to be managed?” Become more deliberate about your conversations. Listen to the cues of employees: “How can we work together better?” and, “What level of support do I need to provide?”
Measurements: it’s about managing the outcome. Trust your people to make decisions and be prepared to be delighted by the outcome. Press the “Pause” button if editing is needed.
Stress: often caused by the fear of the unknown. Being addressed by managers with more empathy, more flexibility, supportive of new working conditions – we are seeing an increase in the EQ coefficient.
Connecting is paramount: have multiple touch points to communicate messages, formally and informally. Town halls were found to be effective – don’t assume people know.
Strategic decision making – needs to be swift – a more dynamic environment supports this, versus hierarchical structure. Gather decision makers around the table. Trust & Empower. Cultivate & share best practice – enable freedom within a framework.
Global and Regional approaches – key is freedom within a giving framework and being empowered to act.
Preventing burn-out: improving Wellness offers to support the employees – e.g. Virtual Yoga and meditation classes.
Advice from the Panel: Stay connected to customers & employees with more diligence and a personal touch – Trust and empower.
Transparency throughout all communications, with honesty and humility.
Put on your own oxygen mask first: Ask yourself, “How do I want to be managed?”
Will we see a decline in old hierarchical structures into more partnership approaches enabling the motivation to work faster and with more transparency?
Stay tuned for Episode 3 – How do we help people Thrive in this environment?
John Reed PhD, MBA, MCEC, PCC Forbes Councils Member Forbes Coaches Council COUNCIL POST| Paid Program Leadership
John Reed has multiple master coaching certifications, a Dartmouth MBA, a University of Georgia PhD and psychologist licensure.
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Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman studied how we often make important decisions by overrelying on intuitive hunches without the benefit of detailed data and a sensible, consistent process. Dr. Kahneman, a psychologist, described this problem in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow as “what you see is all there is.” Its more common name is the halo effect.
Think of the halo effect as our tendency to like or dislike everything about someone — including things we don’t know or haven’t observed — based on a single experience with the person. A perfect example is executive coach evaluation and selection. A “chemistry” meeting between an executive and various coaches supposedly clarifies who the most effective coach will be. In person, these meetings are anything but accurate and reliable, and now, held by video or phone, they reveal even less about coaches.
Since we primarily communicate nonverbally, video meetings can be more useful than phone meetings. Eye movement and contact, facial expressions, and related head movement are noticeable. While more informative than phone meetings, video meetings still miss important dynamics (e.g., posture, most body movements, social distancing, overall appearance, etc.).
Halo Effect Victims
Professionals who could have selected coaches more effectively — for an ROI and results that could have been better — ask these two questions most in seeking advice:
• As an intelligent buyer, what did I miss in making this suboptimal choice?
• If I consider coaching again, what selection steps will improve my expected results and ROI?
Avoiding The Traps
Remember first that biases limit everyone’s decision-making skills. Three elements can help us anticipate and guard against bias.
First, pay attention to your intuition and sense of chemistry with a potential coach. While this is just one of many evaluation criteria, don’t ignore it.
Second, review published information about the coach. A LinkedIn profile, website and resume are a good start but not all you need (more on this in a minute).
A good evaluation and decision process helps us step back and, for example, notice faulty logic. If an executive is presented with coaching candidates by the human resources department or an external coaching organization, the executive may assume — incorrectly — that the coaches are all prescreened and comparably qualified so a chemistry session is all that’s left to make a smart choice. Actually, unless we specify in advance for HR or the coaching organization the criteria to use and require of potential coaches, who knows how qualified the presented coaches will be? The following guidance and criteria help us distinguish between coaches and improve decision outcomes.
A Process For Results And ROI
The process suggested here is straightforward and goes beyond public information available or presented to us about coaches. With it, we can avoid two classic decision-making dangers in coach selection: confirmation bias and overconfidence.
Confirmation bias — related to the halo effect — is our tendency to look for evidence confirming a conclusion (that we jumped to prematurely without a good process) and ignore evidence challenging or contradicting our premature conclusion. Overconfidence is having unjustified faith in our guesses, predictions or intuitions. We don’t know what we don’t know, so without a process to remind us to apply the right evaluation criteria, we’re prone to errors.
What criteria should we apply, then? There are four well-known disciplines that together fuel executive coaching performance: business, psychology, coaching and ethics. Unfortunately, in the fragmented and disorganized coaching field, these four selection criteria are somehow not always applied. My book Pinpointing Excellence: The Key to Finding a Quality Executive Coach includes the following guide to help ensure that coaches have the key foundational skills and training you expect.
In addition to using publicly available data about coaches, ask these four questions to uncover information that may not be public.
1. What coaching organization certified you and at what level, and how many documented hours of coaching experience and training do you have? A number of certifying organizations offer fine training in general coaching, though without business and psychology content needed for executive coaching. The International Coach Federation, for example, has three certification levels. Becoming an associate certified coach requires 100-plus hours of experience and 60-plus hours of training. A professional certified coach designation demands 750-plus hours of experience and 125-plus hours of training, and a master certified coach involves 2,500-plus hours of experience and 200-plus hours of training.
2. What is your business education, training and experience? Ask if the coach has an MBA, and research the quality of the program. Learn about the scope, level and years of their leadership and management experience.
3. What is your education, training and experience in psychology or a related science (e.g., psychiatry)? See if the coach is licensed or board-certified with a doctoral degree. Confirm skills in behavior change, emotional intelligence, adult development, neuropsychology, assessment, etc.
4. What ethics code(s) are you governed by? Examples are codes from the American Psychological Association, the International Coach Federation, the MBA Oath, etc.
The more bias-free, consistent and thorough our evaluation and decision process, the better our expected ROI, results and satisfaction with executive coaching. This is particularly true now with Covid-19 because our preselection contact with coaches is limited to video at best or the phone.
While at the grocery store yesterday, I watched shoppers navigating the aisles, hoping to get everything on their Thanksgiving lists. Instantly, I was brought back to an earlier time, in the first days of the pandemic, and a much different scene in this store. Back then, shoppers were frantically combing half-empty aisles, trying to stock up amid growing anxiety and fears of scarcity.
On one particular day last March, my wife, Leslie, and I waited in the checkout line behind an elderly woman. I’ll never forget what she had in her cart: six cans of Progresso minestrone soup—and nothing else.
“I’m sorry,” the cashier said to her. “We have a limit. You can only get four.”
Overhearing the conversation, Leslie spoke up. “Don’t worry. I’ll buy the other two for her.”
Immediately, the man behind us said loudly, “Count me in for four more!”
Leslie pointed to the woman’s nearly empty shopping cart. “Are you sure that’s all you need? We can help.”
As a group of us made our way to the paper goods aisle, another shopper was just taking the last packages of toilet paper. When Leslie asked her if we could have one, the shopper declined, saying she needed the supplies for her family. Then Leslie pointed to the elderly woman standing at the end of the aisle. “It’s not for us. It’s for her.”
Immediately, the shopper reached into her cart. “Of course. Take both—I have enough at home.”
It was a profound moment for me this year, a powerful illustration that shared interest truly does defeat self-interest. I can still picture the face of the elderly woman—her worried expression erased by a smile for everyone who helped her. It was gratitude, pure and simple—and all because of some extra cans of soup and toilet paper.
Indeed, abundance is not measured in material things, but in the stories that define and guide us. At the center of these stories, we find our loved ones, friends, colleagues, and others who have touched and changed our lives.
One of these people for me was Bob McNabb, a dear friend and one of our firm’s leaders, who fought bravely against terminal cancer and passed away a few years ago. I’ll never forget our last conversation, which began with his usual greeting, “How are you doing, my friend?” His entire focus—remarkably, but characteristically—was on me, not him. Then he signed off as he did at the end of every conversation with almost everyone: “Love you, babe.” And I said, “I love you, Bob.” My memories of Bob inspire me. Thinking of his grace and dignity, his compassion and extraordinary love for and focus on others, with gratitude I strive to do the same.
As we reflect on this year like no other, when we’ve all ridden the rollercoaster known as the Emotion Curve, we are reminded of what truly matters most. Here is my gratitude list of what I’ve come to appreciate more deeply this year than ever:
Empathy. This is the one word that has taken on more meaning this year than in any other. Empathy is all about meeting people where they are, in midst of their hopes and fears; to try to walk in their shoes. As we have learned this year, when people are overwhelmed, they respond to empathy—they feel seen, heard, and understood.
Conversation. More real, more emotional, and often happening for the first time. Like one colleague who told me, “I wanted to share my story, which I have never shared with anyone in the corporate world before…” These are the kinds of conversations—about obstacles, adversity, perseverance, inclusiveness, and triumphs—that have moved me deeply.
Listening. This year it became more important than ever to listen twice as much as we speak. I can remember, early in the pandemic, making 50 calls a day to clients and colleagues at all levels. This is also the year when “how are you?” has been raised to a whole new level: “How are you feeling, today?” This simple question sparks genuine connection among people who want to share their thoughts—with someone willing to listen.
Vulnerability. Early in my CEO career, I would have described a great leader as someone with vision, a growth mindset, authenticity, confidence, charisma, courage… But vulnerability? That didn’t make it into my top 10. This year, vulnerability has become a real strength, helping us admit that finding tomorrow’s answers will take all of us—together.
Authenticity. The more we open up and share, the more authentic we become and the more relatable we are to others. As we’ve found this year, being authentic is the only way to bridge the barriers—physical distance, emotional separation, social divides, and even those not-so-intimate Zoom calls. We must show who we truly are, what motivates us, and what we believe about the future.
Selflessness. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the chronic shortage of toilet paper, it’s that self-preservation is the strongest of human instincts. With greater self-awareness, though, we can move from pure self-interest to shared interest. We need to look no further than the healthcare workers—selfless heroes who every day put their own health and wellbeing on the line for others.
Passion. My favorite professor in college taught geology—writing obsessively on the blackboard until he practically consumed chalk. And whenever he said, “metamorphic rock,” white dust showered the first row of students. But he was passionate—with a real talent for bringing the past alive. That’s what we need today. When we’re passionate, we’re motivated; and when we’re motivated, we have the drive to move forward.
Purpose. We all need a sense of purpose—why we do what we do. This comes from being connected to something bigger than ourselves—knowing that what we do really does matter. When we become purpose-driven, we generate more meaning—to motivate ourselves and each other.
People. Where there is purpose, we also find other people. So it’s no surprise that, when I asked our leadership team what they were grateful for this year, every response I received mentioned others: “…the wonderful people I get to work with every day.” “…having great friends at work.” “…my team and the hard work they have put forth.” “…the entrepreneurial resilience of our people.” And so many more. Since the beginning of time, people have been the ultimate differentiator.
Love. It is a timeless truth that resonates more deeply in challenging times. When we tell people, “We couldn’t have done it without you,” what we’re really saying is, “You are loved.” Intrinsic motivators are more important than ever. Love wins out every time.
Two of the most powerful words anyone can say are, “Thank you.” So easy to say, but so often overlooked. In this year like no other, we have a lot to be grateful for—starting with each other. To all our colleagues, clients, friends, and those we met along the way this year, I wish you an abundance of joy, love, and renewal. And to those of you in the U.S., a very Happy Thanksgiving. Indeed, for all of you, we are grateful.
Careers I write about career and leadership development topics.
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This year has been a year like no other. A global pandemic, racial injustices, and political uncertainty have created a perfect storm of upheaval and uncertainty. Many people have been feeling an unwelcome cocktail of anxiety, depression, grief, and even trauma. Nearly eight out of ten executives have reported poor mental health during this time and 70% of working professionals report that they have never felt more stressed or anxious throughout their careers as they do now. For those who are trying their best, but may not be at their best, it’s ok to give yourself a break, take care of yourself, and show yourself some compassion.
I recently spoke with Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself and The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, about the importance of self-compassion in these trying times and how to practice it. Neff describes in her book that compassion, by definition, is relational. It’s something we offer others, but we can also offer it to ourselves. Moreover, self-compassion is a muscle we can build that makes us more resilient over time and allows us to be more optimistic. It encompasses three main components.
Being Mindful. Practicing self-compassion first requires that we notice our suffering. It’s not avoiding, rejecting, or suppressing it, which can make things worse – the axiom “What we resist persists” is quite true here. Mindfulness involves the nonjudgmental awareness and acceptance of our current experience. We can’t show ourselves compassion if we don’t acknowledge what we’re feeling. Instead of unconsciously being in the thick of our emotions, mindfulness allows us to step back and say, “I’m going through a really hard time right now.” Neff says, “Recognize that this is hard for you. Call attention to it. Be aware of it instead of shoving it away or being lost in it….the first thing has to be to become aware that you’re suffering.”
Often, unpleasant emotions will register first in the body, and we may notice a physical sensation before we recognize exactly what we are feeling. It might be that our heart starts racing, our muscles tighten, or we feel “a pit in our stomach.” Naming the associated emotion can help raise our awareness about what it is that we’re experiencing. Your body will never lie to you. It will tell you exactly what you are feeling. You just need to listen to what it is saying and put it into words. Like tuning into a clear signal on a radio dial, tuning into exactly what message your body is sending you can take some practice, but becomes easier over time.
Being kind to ourselves. This is not about self-pity or self-indulgence – it’s about being kind and understanding with ourselves versus self-critical and judgmental. We all have some version of an inner critic that causes us to beat ourselves up and demand, “Why can’t you just get it together?!” Being kind to ourselves when we’re having a hard time involves showing ourselves the same care, concern, and desire to help as you would with a good friend, colleague or loved one. Neff describes that showing kindness to ourselves, “actually helps us feel safe…and that sense of safety helps us feel less overwhelmed.” It’s asking ourselves, “What do I need in this moment to take care of myself?” It might be taking a day off, taking a nap (one of the perks of working from home) or going on a walk.
To be clear, this doesn’t preclude you from reaching out to others for support. Neff adds that “actual support [from others] is also good…That’s part of caring for ourselves is helping ourselves get the support we need from others.” Neff also explained that “We still need to give ourselves that warmth and sense of worthiness ourselves. Our friends aren’t with us at three in the morning when we wake up and thoughts are going through our heads.” It’s in these times that we can ask ourselves what we would say to a good friend who is in the same situation.
Reminding ourselves of our common humanity. When we are struggling in some way it can often feel like we are the only one, which leads to feelings of isolation and even envy of those who seem to be doing well, and can create a downward spiral of despair. Our perspective can become myopic, creating what Neff calls “a type of emotional tunnel vision,” making us feel even more disconnected. By broadening our lens to see ourselves as part of the human race, in which everyone is imperfect and fallible, we help to normalize our painful experience. It’s recognizing that at one point or another in life, we all experience difficulty, frustration, challenge, and even failure. It’s what she called “the wisdom of remembering we aren’t alone.” Developing this wisdom and seeing our common humanity allows us to feel more connected to others and not so alone in the world. Neff shared that in her workshops, one of the most powerful ways she helps to build a sense of common humanity is by having people talk in small groups where they invariably say, “Oh, really? You do that, too?”
I asked what might get in the way of self-compassion – both practicing it and actually “letting it in.” Neff shared two main barriers – one physiological and the other cultural. Whenever we detect something negative (like a pandemic, for example), or we fail in some way, our brain perceives this negative information as a threat. Our sympathetic nervous system is activated and we go into reactive mode – fight, flight, or freeze – to try to make ourselves feel safe. Neff explained, “We’re less thoughtful. We’re less able to see the big picture, like ‘Oh wow, everyone suffers in this way.’”
A key cultural barrier to self-compassion is the belief that self-compassion will undermine our motivation; that we need to be hard on ourselves to be motivated to do our best, when in fact, self-encouragement is shown to be a more effective motivator than self-criticism. The other cultural barriers are gender-related. Women, who tend to be socialized to put others first, are more prone to the fallacy that practicing self-compassion is selfish. Neff explains that “It’s not a zero-sum game…It’s just including ourselves in the circle of compassion.” For men, the obstacle tends to be viewing self-compassion as a type of weakness.
Practicing self-compassion is not about letting ourselves off the hook or making excuses. People who are self-compassionate still set high goals for themselves – but they aren’t as rattled if they fall short of these goals, as they are more likely to adopt a growth mindset and learn from their failure or difficulty. Moreover, they continue to set high goals for themselves after a set-back. Self-compassion also doesn’t make our suffering automatically go away, but it allows us to deal with our negative thoughts and feelings more directly – and in a caring way. It creates the space for them to run their natural course, so we can restore our sense of equilibrium and build our resilience so we can weather the next storm that passes through.
Take this short test to see how self-compassionate you are.
I am an Executive Coach and founding Partner at Next Step Partners, a global leadership development firm that provides Career Transition Services, Executive Coaching, Group Leadership Development and Team Development Programs. Follow me on Twitter @rszucker and download my tips on “How To Get The Most Out Of Coaching” at https://nextsteppartners.com/10tips/.
When you ask a friend “How are you?” you usually get a short, surface-level response, some variation of:
I’m fine.
Eh, tired.
Hangin’ in there.
Rarely does the recipient reveal much, if anything, about how they’re actually doing — even if we sincerely want to know the answer. Why is that? As journalist Ashley Fetters wrote for The Atlantic in April, it’s because the question often “functions as a perfunctory greeting and nothing more.”
DELMAINE DONSON VIA GETTY IMAGES Therapists share tweaks to the generic “how are you” question that are more likely to elicit an honest answer.
In other words, humans are savvy social creatures who understand that “how are you” is generally employed as a “well-intended nicety,” said San Francisco psychotherapist Kathleen Dahlen deVos — not a genuine inquiry about their well-being.
“As such, we usually supply an answer that’s of equivalent depth and on par with what’s expected by the greeter: ‘Fine, thanks,’” she said.
So if it’s an honest answer you’re after, you’re probably asking the wrong question. By changing up your phrasing, you can send the message that you’re looking to have a deeper conversation — not just exchange pleasantries.
“People not only need to feel that the other person truly wants to know how they are doing,” said Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace, “But they also need to know that confiding in someone else will not scare them away.”
When one of deVos’ dear friends was going through a difficult loss, someone in her life would always ask, “How are you today?” Adding that one word made such a difference.
“It changed the nature of this whole question from something that felt hollow, overwhelming and nonspecific, to a question she felt more safe and sure of answering,” deVos said. “‘How are you today’ is an inquiry into what is true for someone in this moment, in the past few hours and can feel more approachable because it’s specific.”
2. How are you holding up?
Posing the question this way acknowledges that things are hard right now and implies that you don’t expect the other person to say they’ve been well.
“The slight modifications signal to us that it’s OK to shift a bit away from the standard ‘good’ or ‘fine’ answers, and acknowledge, perhaps, that we are not ‘good’ or ‘fine’ in general right now,” deVos said.
3. I’ve been thinking about you lately. How are you doing?
Telling this person they’ve been on your mind shows you do care, which may make them feel more comfortable opening up.
“Prefacing the question [this way] signals to the other person that you’re truly invested in their reply and that you’re eager to hear whatever it is that they feel comfortable sharing,” Makepeace said.
“People not only need to feel that the other person truly wants to know how they are doing, but they also need to know that confiding in someone else will not scare them away.”
– ABIGAIL MAKEPEACE, MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST
“You might also follow up on a worry or concern they’ve mentioned before, and check in on how they’re feeling about it now,” she added.
5. Is there any type of support you need right now?
“This not only telegraphs to your loved one that you are interested in what they may be struggling with, but reinforces that you care about that struggle and are eager to help,” Makepeace said.
6. Are you anxious about anything? Are you feeling down at all?
If the suggestions above aren’t getting much of a response, try asking a more pointed question about what you suspect this person might be feeling.
“Providing ‘feeling state phrases’ can help your friend begin the process of verbalizing their experiences,” Makepeace said. “Also, wording your questions in this manner lets your friend know that their answer won’t catch you off guard and that you’re seeking truly intimate and honest communication.”
Another way to encourage them to open up? Lead by example: By being vulnerable about your own mental or emotional state, you may prompt your loved one to talk more openly about theirs.
“When you speak truthfully about your own experience, you give the other person permission to share without fear or risk,” Makepeace said.
And if they’re still not opening up to you, that’s OK. Just checking in shows your deep care and concern — and that alone is powerful. Let them know that when they’re ready to talk, you’ll be there to listen.
