Tag: trust

  • The Strategic CFO: 6 Steps to Become a Trusted Advisor to the CFO

    Nowadays, Chief Financial Officers aren’t just keeping track of income and expenses; they’re processing this information to understand how best to grow the business. This valued capability is increasingly sought by large enterprises and is quickly becoming table stakes at midsize companies, as well.

    The challenge for many tactical finance directors seeking to become strategic CFO is time. “Finance is often up to its ears in manual repetitive tasks that bog down the function,” explains Sandy Cockrell, global leader and U.S. national managing partner of Deloitte’s CFO Program.

    In working with hundreds of CFOs and studying best practices at top performing organizations, Senior Executive Network has identified six imperatives (with specific action items) to help tactical CFOs become strategic CFOs, transforming the position into a forward-thinking strategic adviser:

    1. Drive Strategy
    2. Allocate Capital Resources
    3. Lead M&A Due Diligence and Post-Transaction Integration
    4. Enhance Profits
    5. Champion New Technologies
    6. Assess Risks and Implement Controls

    To Read Full Report by Chief Executive Network, Click HERE

  • Is Remarketing The New Free?

    Let’s face it, we’ve become increasingly numb to the lead capture bait for email address exchange. In fact, I think it’s become so bad that while people still sign up for the free thing, they often don’t even bother to download, rarely if ever actually read it or watch it, and unfortunately, don’t represent the opportunity for marketers that they once did.

    The bar for starting a relationship with a prospect has evolved, and the stakes are higher.

    Today, we have to create awareness before a prospect understands they have a problem or certainly before they are seeking a transformation.

    In my opinion, this is still done by offering the right content, in the right context, but with the right delivery mechanism.[tweetthis]To reach the greatest number of prospects in your market, the first contact can’t be an ask.[/tweetthis]

    Creating awareness through targeted content

    People still want to find answers to their challenges and will probably always seek information in many forms. Smart marketers are grouping and personalizing content by specific category or problem-solving advice and offering that content without strings in targeted advertising environments such as Facebook.

    The content may be a short video or series of video, a group of blog posts or even a series of templates and checklists.

    The key is that this is bite-sized, useful, easy to access and easy to consume. It’s the start of a relationship without commitment.

    Building trust before the ask

    So, how does totally free content create a lead? It does so by giving and giving and giving before asking anything. High-quality content without strings attached builds trust and authority – two of the primary objectives of all marketing today.

    The key to making this work as lead generation tactic is something called remarketing or retargeting.

    Now, you may be familiar with retargeting if you’ve ever reviewed a product you were researching online.

    A few years ago I wanted to get standup desk and looked around at a variety of products before finally settling on one made by Varidesk.

    I did my research one day and visited the manufacture’s site and sure enough everywhere else I went I started seeing ads for Varidesk.

    In fact, even after I had purchased the desk from Amazon I continued to see the ads on many news type sites I visited.

    This is retargeting not so much at its finest.

    Or perhaps you downloaded a free report on a site and when you returned to get the next one in the series they already knew your name and email and automatically completed it in the form. This is another type of very useful retargeting in a way.

    Essentially what retargeting involves is placing a cookie on a visitor’s browser that indicates they have come to your site. This cookie then allows ad networks to show certain ads when you visit one of their sites.

    Many people dislike this technology, and you can manage it by changing your privacy settings to disable it. Of course, a lot of things you do like, such as a website you frequent remembering your settings is activated using this same approach.

    One of the more effective ways to use retargeting in a gentle lead nurturing sense is by using Facebook’s retargeting tool.

    You simply run sponsored ads at highly targeted, useful content or a series of content and let Facebook tell you who visits and consumes the content. Once this mechanism is in place, you can start building custom audiences of the people that visited your free content with the knowledge that they may indeed be interested in a more substantial version of the content in exchange for an email address or opt-in.

    This approach, while requiring more patience, opens up a much larger potential audience and will likely make your list conversions triple or quadruple.

    Here’s a nice little tutorial on Facebook retargeting from Social Media Examiner

    And another, more technical one from WPCurve with specifics for WordPress users

    And, you might want to look for retargeting services outside of the Facebook walls, so take a look at PerfectAudience for a super easy approach or one of the pioneers of retargeting, AdRoll.

    Hyper segmentation for relationship building

    One of the beautiful things about this approach is that it not only allows you to nurture people who visit your website, but it also allows you to create segmented campaigns for people based on what they visited.

    For example, I attract many small business owners who are interested in tips and tactics for growing their business, but I also serve a growing network of independent marketing consultants who are interested in ways to grow a more profitable practice and serve more customers.

    Using a retargeting approach, I can create a highly personalized experience for these radically different audiences based on an understanding of the content they visited.

    Now, understand that this approach is certainly not limited to Facebook – Facebook just offers a nice way to use it to build awareness and trust.

    This is essentially the same technology that powers inbound marketing tools such as Hubspot or many CRM and marketing automation tools. It’s the same technology that powers many of the more sophisticated lead tracking tools such as ClickMagick or Kissmetrics.

    The real lesson in this is that marketers today must understand that as brands big and small continue to take advantage of the technology to serve more personalized, useful and relevant experiences the more our prospects will come to hunger for and expect the same from any business they engage – whether they know it or not.

    Content Originally Created by Duct Tape Marketing

    Author: John Jantsch

  • Evolving Forward: The Indivisible System

    How systems thinking, focused intention and trust are essential for our future

    Meatpacking plants are a microcosm of what we are all experiencing right now—the indivisible system. As the contextual environment more aggressively imposes itself into our everyday world, the resources we used to call upon, while necessary, are insufficient to get us through this real crisis. The leaders at meatpacking plants must operate on all cylinders and become agile sense-makers of their environment to address the needs of their workforce, the needs of the communities they operate in, and the needs of the world’s food supply. This is not the time to think about themselves, their professional development or their personal assessment results. They are in chaos and complexity, and the leadership strategies previously applied will no longer work. There is no going back, there is only evolving forward.

    “The concept of emotional intelligence (EI) is a 101 course for leadership right now.” This spot-on statement was made this past week at CCI Consulting’s monthly virtual Executive Coach Café— something that has been taking place for much longer than the pandemic. We were, like so many others in the industry, discussing coaching strategies that are particularly important to help leaders right now; some of whom are dealing with bottom-line crises resulting in their businesses precariously perched on the brink of insolvency. Other leaders are navigating the needs of virtual staff and the mechanics of returning to a face-to-face office environment while simultaneously adjusting to the legal issues involved with protecting their employees. Whatever the particular situation, the workforce is in dire need of help and support.

    But the statement made about Emotional Intelligence, or EI or EQ, has never rung truer than it does today because EI is not new. Most leaders already know about the 1995 book, “Emotional Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman even if they haven’t read it or put its guidance into practice. Some are even aware of the 1990 John Mayer and Peter Salovey article that first used the term emotional intelligence, or the seminal work of Howard Gardner and Reuven Bar-On in the 1980s that dug into multiple intelligences and the psychological well-being and drivers of success outside of IQ and academic or hard-skill proficiencies.

    One does not turn on the EI switch and suddenly develop the capacity to marry self-awareness and the awareness of others any more than after one reads a book or listens to a TED talk and suddenly becomes attuned to the needs of psychological safety, authenticity or courage. All of these concepts require leaders—and all of us for that matter—to zero in on the foundation that allows these concepts to turn into everyday actions that move the needle on interpersonal effectiveness and leadership strength.

    Our society needs interpersonal effectiveness and leadership strength now more than ever. But, more important than that, we need to shift our perspective to the indivisible system we live in. To do that, we need to turn up the volume on the foundational skills of systems thinking, focused intention and trust.

    Consider these scenarios:

    Pre-pandemic: The office reception area was always sparkling, but the building scheduled individual offices and cubicles to be cleaned on a bi-monthly basis.

    Upon reopening: Your direct report walks into the office environment and wonders privately if the building manager allocated the proper resources to procure the ethanol or cleaning solutions necessary to disinfect their cubicle space or thinks that perhaps they diluted materials in favor of cost savings. They say nothing because at least they still have a job.

    Pre-pandemic: Your Asian American lab manager received an award for facilitating a successful clinical trial.

    Upon reopening: On her way to work, your Asian American lab manager was harassed and called names for bringing the novel coronavirus to America. When she came into the office, she said nothing and moved quietly to her workstation wondering if anyone at work felt the same way.

    Pre-pandemic: A key member of the senior leadership team launched a new initiative, setting the stage to acquire a competitor.

    Upon reopening: With schools still closed and summer camp postponed, that same key member was distracted by family concerns and schedules, as well as figuring out coverage for staff, and the acquisition opportunity was not only missed but they experienced a hostile takeover.

    If we peel back the surface…if we move deeper than the mechanical needs of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE), social distancing, work schedules and remote technology, we will see that these things are simply tools. And who uses the tools? People. It is the experience of people that matter more right now than ever before.

    The three foundational concepts that can help to move all of us forward require strategies that involve:

    Systems Thinking – None of us likes to think of ourselves as living in a bubble and now, more than ever, we see how siloed thinking causes unnecessary conflicts and contributes to misinformation and delayed decision-making. Systems thinking is not new, but its perspective is enjoying a resurgence. People everywhere are noticing its value when addressing complexity and the VUCA environment. As we move through the current pandemic, it is critical to call on a systems perspective to help organizations and people adapt to change. Russell Ackoff defined a system as, “a whole, which cannot be divided into independent parts…the essential properties of any system, the properties that define a system, are properties of the whole which none of its parts have.” When adopting a systems mindset, we see that our internal or operating environment (yes, our bubble or our organization) exists within a transactional or stakeholder environment where we act and interact with those around us, beyond which exists in our contextual or global environment.

    To be a true systems thinker requires consideration that the changes taking place in this contextual environment place pressures that cause changes in behavior of the stakeholders in the transactional environment. And, as changes in the transactional environment take place, they naturally place pressures on the internal and operational environment of the organization.

    Ah…the pandemic. But not just the pandemic.

    Change is not linear, and we are seeing in real time that what we are experiencing around the globe requires us to address the contextual environment of the pandemic and the economy but, more importantly, the changes we need to make FOR people. Leaders must accelerate considerations for how technology and digital productivity can enhance and not replace workers. Leaders must address shifting ways of generating business value through agility, innovation and new customer strategies. And how about where our employees come from? Entire categories of people are impacted when geopolitical and economic powers shift, but more so when the well-being of people and purpose of work dramatically change.

    Re-envisioning work as opposed to returning “back” to the way things once were is the new mission- critical competency leaders must embrace now.

    Focused Intention – The game has changed and our global existence has come into sharp focus because we now understand that even if we work hard, develop ourselves to be at our best, provide opportunities for others, and focus on our mission and values, there are still things we cannot control. The word intention often brings to mind a goal or target, such as we find when we have good intentions. However, our good intentions don’t always have the intended impact with either people or outcomes. There has never been a better time to take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be…how you want to show up as a leader, friend, colleague, parent and citizen. Then, if you are honest with yourself and solicit feedback from others, is this the person you are today? Is there a gap you can fill?

    There are those who choose activities that quiet the mind or activate the soul. Whatever you choose is not really at issue. What is at issue is that you place focused attention on your intentions and exercise behaviors that support them, reflect on how you did, and adjust where needed. Hopefully, your intentions are supportive to those around you.

    Trust – At the core of everything is trusting the “other” person, but also ensuring they trust you. Without trust, we cannot communicate; without communication, there is no trust. If we choose to widen our perspective and allow greater transparency in the system, we must open ourselves up to the ideas of others and fill the gaps of understanding to make sense of our global system. During times of uncertainty and fear, people need to feel grounded that their leaders and organization are reliable and have one another’s back. Recognizing our own assumptions and biases are a good start here. Are we making assumptions that those around us are not interested in remaining healthy and alive? Are others making the right assumptions about us? In a way, it is the same as wearing masks right now: I wear a mask because I care about you and want you to wear one as an expression of how much you care about me.

    Begin by treating everyone—and I mean everyone—with complete positive regard. And, if you can’t, ask yourself how to approach the other with curiosity and kindness. Learn how they are experiencing everything right now. Learn how they are struggling and laughing and tell them about how you are experiencing things right now. Together, and through courageous and caring conversations, it will be easier to build an environment where people reconnect with one another after we reduce our distance, where we all begin to challenge our own limiting beliefs, and where we can co-create whatever our future has in store.

    There are many important leadership tools out there, but without thinking in systems, intention and trust, everything else falls flat. Together we lead.

    Author: Adena Johnston, D. Mgt. MCEC Vice President and Practice Leader, Talent Development

  • “The Anatomy of Trust” by Brené Brown

    Background

    Brené Brown is a professor and social scientist. This speech was originally delivered at UCLA’s Royce Hall in 2015.

    Speech Transcript

    Oh, it just feels like an incredible understatement to say how grateful I am to be here with all of you. I feel like I have a relationship with many of you on social media, and you were like, “T-minus two days.” I’m like, “It’s coming! We’re going to be together.” So I’m so grateful to be here with you.

    I’m going to talk about trust and I’m going to start by saying this: One of my favorite parts of my job is that I get to research topics that mean something to me. One of my least favorite parts of my job is I normally come up with findings that kicked me in the butt and make me change my entire life. That’s the hard part. But I get to dig into the stuff that I think matters in my life and the life of the people around me.

    And the topic of trust is something I think I probably would have eventually started to look at closely because I study shame and vulnerability. But there’s a very personal reason I jumped to trust early in my research career, and it was a personal experience.

    One day, my daughter, Ellen, came home from school. She was in third grade. And the minute we closed the front door, she literally just started sobbing and slid down the door until she was just kind of a heap of crying on the floor. And of course I was … It scared me, and I said, “What’s wrong Ellen? What happened? What happened?”

    And she pulled herself together enough to say, “Something really hard happened to me today at school, and I shared it with a couple of my friends during recess. And by the time we got back into the classroom, everyone in my class knew what had happened, and they were laughing and pointing at me and calling me names.” And it was so bad, and the kids were being so disruptive, that her teacher even had to take marbles out of this marble jar.

    And the marble jar in the classroom is a jar where if the kids are making great choices together, the teacher adds marbles. If they’re making not great choices, the teacher takes out marbles. And if the jar gets filled up, there’s a celebration for the class.

    And so, she said, “It was one of the worst moments in my life. They were laughing and pointing. And Miss Bacchum, my teacher, kept saying, ‘I’m going to take marbles out.’ And she didn’t know what was happening.”

    And she looked at me just with this face that is just seared my mind and said, “I will never trust anyone again.” And my first reaction, to be really honest with you, was, “Damn straight, you don’t tell anybody anything but your Mama.”

    Yeah, right? That’s it. I mean, that was my … “You just tell me. And when you grow up and you go off to school, Mama will go too. I’ll get a little apartment.” And the other thing I was thinking to be quite honest with you is, “I will find out who those kids were.” And while I’m not going to beat up a nine year old, I know their mamas.

    You know, that’s the place you go to. And I’m like, “How am I going to explain trust to this third grader in front of me?” So I took a deep breath and I said, “Ellen, trust is like a marble jar.” She said, “What do you mean?” And I said, “You share those hard stories and those hard things that are happening to you with friends, who, over time, you filled up their marble jar. They’ve done thing after thing after thing where you’re like, ‘I know I can share this with this person.’ Does that make sense?”

    Yes!

    And that’s what Ellen said, “Yes, that makes sense.” And I said, “Do you have any marble jar friends?” And she said, “Oh yeah. Totally. Hannah and Lorna are marble jar friends.” And I said … And then this is where things got interesting. I said, “Tell me what you mean. How do they earn marbles for you?”

    And she’s like, “Well, Lorna, if there’s not a seat for me at the lunch cafeteria, she’ll scoot over and give me half a heinie seat.” And I’m like, “She will?” She’s like, “Yeah. She’ll just sit like that, and so I can sit with her.” And I said, “That’s a big deal.” This is not what I was expecting to hear.

    And then she said, “And you know Hannah, on Sunday at my soccer game?” And I was waiting for this story where she said, “I got hit by a ball and I was laying on the field, and Hannah picked me up and ran me to first aid.” And I was like, “Yeah?” And she said, “Hannah looked over and she saw Oma and Opa,” my parents, her grandparents, “And she said, ‘Look, your Oma and Opa are here.’” And I was like …

    And I was like, “Boy, she got a marble for that?” And she goes, “Well, you know, not all my friends have eight grandparents.” Because my parents are divorced and remarried, my husband’s parents were divorced and remarried. And she said, “And it was so nice to me that she remembered their names.”

    And I was like, “Hmm.” And she said, “Do you have marble jar friends?” And I said, “Yeah, I do have a couple of marble jar friends.” And she said, “Well, what kind of things do they do to get marbles?” And this feeling came over me. And I thought … The first thing I could think of, because we were talking about the soccer game, was that same game. My good friend Eileen walked up to my parents and said, “Diane, David, good to see you.” And I remember what that felt like for me. And I was like, certainly, trust cannot be built by these small insignificant moments in our lives. It’s gotta be a grander gesture than that.

    So, as a researcher, I start looking into the data. I gather up the doctoral students who’ve worked with me. We start looking. And it is crystal clear. Trust is built in very small moments. And when we started looking at examples of when people talked about trust in the research, they said things like, “Yeah, I really trust my boss. She even asked me how my mom’s chemotherapy was going.” “I trust my neighbor because if something’s going on with my kid, it doesn’t matter what she’s doing, she’ll come over and help me figure it out.” You know, one of the number one things emerged around trust and small things? People who attend funerals. “This is someone who showed up at my sister’s funeral.”

    Another huge marble jar moment for people, “I trust him because he’ll ask for help when he needs it.” How many of you are better at giving help than asking for help? Right? So, asking for help is one of those moments.

    So, one of the ways I work as a grounded theory researcher, is I look at the data first, then I go in and see what other researchers are talking about and saying, because we believe the best theories are not built on other existing theories, but on our own lived experiences.

    So, after I had looked at this, I said, “Let me see what the research says.” And I went to John Gottman, who’s been studying relationship for 30 years. He has amazing work on trust and betrayal. And the first thing I read, “Trust is built in the smallest of moments.” And he calls them “Sliding door moments.”

    Sliding Doors is a movie with Gwyneth Paltrow from the 90s. Have you all seen this movie? So, it’s a really tough movie, because what happens is it follows her life to this seemingly unimportant moment where she’s trying to get on a train. And she makes the train, but the movie stops and splits into two parts where she makes a train and she doesn’t make the train, and it follows them to radically different endings. And he would argue that trust is a sliding door moment. And the example that he gives is so powerful.

    He said he was lying in bed one night, he had 10 pages left of his murder mystery, and he had us feeling he knew who the killer was, but he was dying to finish this book. So he said, “I don’t even want … I want to get up, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, and get back in and not have to get up.” You know that feeling when you just want to get all situated and read the end of your book?

    So, he gets up and he walks past his wife in the bathroom, who’s brushing her hair and who looks really sad. And he said, “My first thought was just keep walking. Just keep walking.”

    And how many of you have had that moment you walk past someone and you’re like, “Oh, God. They look … Avert your eyes.” Or you look at caller ID or your cell phone, and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I know she’s in a big mess right now. I don’t have time to pick up the phone.” Right? Yes or no? This looks like guilty laughter to me.

    So, he said, “That’s a sliding door moment.” And here’s what struck me about his story, because he said, “There is the opportunity to build trust and there is the opportunity to betray.” Because as small as the moments of trust can be, those are the moments of betrayal as well. To choose to not connect when the opportunity is there is a betrayal. So he took the brush out of her hand and started brushing her hair and said, “What’s going on with you right now, babe?” That’s a moment of trust, right?

    So fast-forward five years, and I’m clear about trust, and I talk about trust as the marble jar. We’ve got to really share our stories and our hard stuff with people whose jars are full, people who’ve, over time, really done those small things that have helped us believe that they’re worth our story.

    But the new question for me was this: What are those marbles? What is trust? What do we talk about when we talk about trust? Trust is a big word, right? To hear, “I trust you,” or “I don’t trust you.” I don’t even know what that means. So, I wanted to know, what is the anatomy of trust? What does that mean?

    So, I started looking in the research and I found a definition from Charles Feldman that I think is the most beautiful definition I’ve ever heard. And it’s simply this: “Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” “Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” Feldman says that distrust is what I have shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you.

    So, I thought, “That’s true.” And Feldman really calls for this, let’s understand what trust is. So, we went back into all the data to find out, can I figure out what trust is? Do I know what trust is from the data? And I think I do know what trust is.

    And I put together an acronym, BRAVING, B-R-A-V-I-N-G. BRAVING. Because when we trust, we are braving connection with someone. So what are the parts of trust? B, boundaries. I trust you. If you are about your boundaries and you hold them, and you’re clear about my boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.

    R, reliability. I can only trust you if you do what you say you’re going to do. And not once. Reliability … Let me tell you what reliability is in research terms. We’re always looking for things that are valid and reliable. Any researchers here or research kind of geeks? There’s 10 of us.

    Okay. So we would say a scale that you weigh yourself on is valid if you get on it and it’s an accurate weight. 120. Okay. So that would be a very valid scale. I would pay a lot of money for that scale. So, that’s actually not a valid scale, but we’ll pretend for the sake of this. That’s a valid scale.

    A reliable scale is a scale that if I got on it a hundred times, it’s gonna say the same thing every time. So, what reliability is, is you do what you say you’re going to do over and over and over again. You cannot gain and earn my trust if you’re reliable once, because that’s not the definition of reliability.

    In our working lives, reliability means that we have to be very clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we come up short and don’t deliver on our commitments. In our personal life, it means the same thing. So, when we say to someone, “Oh God, it was so great seeing you. I’m going to give you a call and we can have lunch. Yes or no?” “No. It was really great seeing you.” Moment of discomfort. Goodbye. Right? But honest.

    So B, Boundaries. R, Reliability. A … Huge. Accountability. I can only trust you if, when you make a mistake, you are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. I can only trust you if when I make a mistake, I am allowed to own it, apologize, and make amends. No accountability? No trust.

    V, and this one shook me to the core. Vault. The Vault. What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me, I will hold in confidence. But you know what we don’t understand? And this came up over and over again in the research. We don’t understand the other side of the vault. That’s only one door on the vault. Here’s where we lose trust with people.

    If a good friend comes up to me and says, “Oh my God, did you hear about Caroline? They’re getting a divorce and it is ugly. I’m pretty sure her partner’s cheating.” You have just shared something with me that was not yours to share, and now, my trust for you, even though you’re gossiping and giving me the juice, now my trust for you is completely diminished.

    Does that make sense? So the Vault is not just about the fact that you hold my confidences, it’s that, in our relationship, I see that you acknowledge confidentiality. Here’s the tricky thing about the Vault. A lot of times, we share things that are not ours to share as a way to hot wire connection with a friend, right? If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me. You know? Yes or no? Our closeness is built on talking bad about other people. You know what I call that? Common enemy intimacy.

    What we have is not real. The intimacy we have is built on hating the same people, and that’s counterfeit. That’s counterfeit trust. That’s not real. So, the Vault means you respect my story, but you respect other people’s story.

    I, Integrity. I cannot trust you and be in a trusting relationship with you if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same. So, what is integrity?

    I came up with this definition because I didn’t like any of the ones out there, and that’s what I do when I don’t like them. I do. I look in the data, and I say, “What’s integrity?” Here’s what I think integrity is. Three pieces. It’s choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values, right? I mean, that’s integrity.

    N, Non-judgment. I can fall apart, ask for help, and be in struggle without being judged by you. And you can fall apart, and be in struggle, and ask for help without being judged by me, which is really hard because we’re better at helping than we are asking for help.

    And we think that we’ve set up trusting relationships with people who really trust us because we’re always there to help them. But let me tell you this, if you can’t ask for help and they cannot reciprocate that, that is not a trusting relationship. Period. And when we assign value to needing help, when I think less of myself for needing help, whether you’re conscious of it or not, when you offer help to someone, you think less of them too.

    You cannot judge yourself for needing help but not judge others for needing your help. And somewhere in there, if you’re like me, you’re getting value from being the helper in relationship. You think that’s your worth. But real trust doesn’t exist unless help is reciprocal and non-judgment.

    The last one is G, Generosity. Our relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviors, and then check in with me. So, if I screw up, say something, forget something, you will make a generous assumption and say, “Yesterday was my mom’s one year anniversary of her death, and it was really tough for me, and I talked to you about it last month. And I really was hoping that you would’ve called, but I know you care about me. I know you think it’s a big deal. So I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about that.” As opposed to not returning calls, not returning emails, and waiting for the moment where you can spring, “Well, you forgot to call on this important …” You know? You’ll make a generous assumption about me and check it out.

    Does that make sense? So we’ve got boundaries, reliability, accountability, the vault, integrity, non-judgment, and generosity. These, this is the anatomy of trust, and it’s complex.

    Why do we need to break it down? For a very simple reason. How many of you in here have ever struggled with trust in a relationship, professional or personal? It should be everybody, statistically, right? And so, what you end up saying to someone is, “I don’t trust you.” “What do you mean you don’t trust me? I love you. I’m so dependable. What do you mean you don’t trust me?”

    How do we talk about trust if we can’t break it down? What understanding trust gives us is words to say, “Here’s my struggle. You’re not reliable with me. You say you’re going to do something, I count on it, you don’t do it.” Or maybe the issue is non-judgment. But we can break it down and talk about it and ask for what we need, very specifically. Instead of using this huge word that has tons of weight and value around it, we can say, “Here’s specifically what’s not working. What’s not working is we’ve got a boundaries issue.”

    So, one of the things that’s interesting, I think, is one of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment and failure and our struggle, is not just the loss of trust with other people, but the loss of self trust. When something hard happens in our lives, the first thing we say is “I can’t trust myself. I was so stupid. I was so naive.”

    So, this BRAVING acronym works with self-trust too. So, when something happens … I just recently went through a really tough failure, and I had to ask myself, “Did I honor my own boundaries? Was I reliable? Can I count on myself? Did I hold myself accountable? Was I really protective of my stories? Did I stay in my integrity? Was I judgmental toward myself? And I give myself the benefit of the doubt? Was I generous toward myself?”

    Because if braving relationships with other people is braving connection, self-trust is braving self-love. Self-respect, the wildest adventure we’ll ever take in our whole lives. And so, what I would invite you to think about when you think about trust is if your own marble jar is not full, if you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have. So we have to start with self-trust.

    There’s a great quote from Maya Angelou that says, “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves, but say I love you.” Right?

    She quotes an African proverb when she said that, and she said, “Be wary of the naked man offering you a shirt.” And so, a lot of times if you find yourself in struggle with trust, the thing to examine first is your own marble jar, how you treat yourself. Because we can’t ask people to give to us something that we do not believe we’re worthy of receiving. And you will know you’re worthy of receiving it when you trust yourself above everyone else. So, thank y’all so much. I’m so honored to be here. Thank you. Thank y’all.